Let's start off slow and ease into it. This Shake Shack Double SmokeShack only has 925 calories, which includes just over 25 grams of saturated fat. Totally manageable. I believe in you.

This beauty is the most calorific item on the Wendy's menu. She has more calories than a dozen eggs, and that's before you order fries and a frosty, and then dip your fries in your frosty while sipping Cheerwine and listening Counting Crows in the green Plymouth Breeze that you inherited from your older brother...God, I miss that car.

Remember when Subway used to market itself as a healthy lunch alternative? People who believe that Subway sandwiches are healthy are the same kind of people who believe that walking for 10 minutes counts as cardio and that drinking apple cider vinegar will help them lose weight. Oh, and remember Jared Fogle? He still has about 13 years left on his prison sentence. I wonder what he's eating in there...

Anyway, this sandwich has a lot of f*cking calories and you should eat it.

Peanut Butter? Yes. Caramel? Yes? More calories than half a dozen cheeseburgers? Hell yes. Take it. Drink it. Grow powerful from the sustenance it provides. Store the excess as subcutaneous fat and BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE.

Aside from the meal you eat right before you go out drinking, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And this meal has an entire day's worth of calories packed into it, so you won't have to worry about finding lunch or dinner afterwards. Actually, scratch that. You should go back to IHOP at lunch and order yet another one of these babies, and then come back and do it all again at suppertime. Maybe don't even leave the IHOP, and have a few snacks in between platters. I won't judge you. You've been working hard lately. You need this.

So you think you're not going to eat this entire pizza? Please stop lying to yourself. You're not going to "share with friends" or "save some slices for later". You're going to eat this whole f*cking thing, and you're going to like it. You're not leaving this room until you've licked the extra cheese off of the inside of the box. 

No, the gallon size isn't on the menu, but Taco Bell will give you a gallon of this happy juice if you ask for it. And yes, you should drink all of it. You haven't lived until you've had over 450 grams of sweet, sweet high fructose corn syrup coursing through your veins like liquid lightning, GOD I FEEL SO ALIVE!